Are You Losing Yourself in Your Relationships? Let’s Talk About Self-Abandonment
Written by Lauren M. Liddle, MA
Have you ever said “yes” while everything inside of you was screaming no?
Maybe you agreed to plans when you were exhausted. Maybe you told someone, “It’s fine,” because explaining why it wasn’t fine felt like too much. Maybe you’re the person everyone calls when something goes wrong—but when you need help, you convince yourself you can handle it.
Or maybe you’ve become so used to asking, What does everyone else need from me? that you’re not totally sure what you need anymore.
If any of that sounds familiar, you’re certainly not alone.
In Overcoming Self-Abandonment: A Guide for Women Who Are Done Being Everything but Themselves, psychologists Avery Hoenig, Lucy Smith, and Jamie Wilson explore how easy it can be to slowly lose connection with ourselves while trying to maintain connection with everyone around us. In Chapter 6, they describe self-abandonment as something that generally develops gradually within relationships rather than happening all at once (Hoenig et al., 2026, p. 129).
And sometimes, it looks an awful lot like being the person who is “easygoing,” “helpful,”
“independent,” or “always there for everyone.”
When Being “Easygoing” Starts Costing You
People-pleasing gets a bad reputation, but there’s a reason we do it.
We want to belong. We don’t want to disappoint people we love. Conflict can be uncomfortable.
Being seen as dependable, kind, accommodating, and helpful can also feel really good.
The problem isn’t necessarily that you care about other people’s feelings.
It’s when caring about everyone else consistently requires you to stop listening to yourself.
Hoenig et al. (2026) describe people-pleasing as suppressing your own wants, needs, or interests in order to keep someone else happy or avoid discomfort. It can show up as difficulty saying no, apologizing frequently, feeling responsible for everyone’s emotions, or experiencing significant discomfort when someone is upset with you (pp. 130–131).
And here’s where it can get sneaky: You may not even realize you’re doing it.
You might automatically say, “Whatever you want is fine!”
You might agree to something and then wonder why you’re irritated afterward.
You might spend more time wondering, Are they mad at me? than asking, Am I actually okay with this?
Eventually, constantly looking outward can make it harder to recognize what you want in the first place (Hoenig et al., 2026, p. 132).
That resentment or exhaustion doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t love the people around you.
Sometimes it means you haven’t been included in your own decision-making for a while.
Caring for People vs. Taking Care of Everything
There is also a difference between lovingly caring for the people in our lives and feeling like we have to manage everything for everyone.
Hoenig et al. (2026) distinguish caregiving from caretaking. Caregiving comes from empathy and compassion while remaining connected to yourself. Caretaking can become wrapped up in approval, feeling needed, rescuing, fixing, and consistently placing other people’s needs above your own (pp. 133–134).
You may recognize the latter if your internal dialogue sounds something like:
“It’s easier if I just do it.”
“They need me.”
“I’ll take care of myself once everything else is done.”
“I shouldn’t need help with this.”
Over time, doing everything can become part of how we understand our worth: I matter because of what I do for people.
But if your value in a relationship depends entirely on how much you can carry, there isn’t much room left for you to simply be in the relationship.
And sometimes reconnecting with yourself means putting a few things down.
And Then There’s: “I’ll Just Do It Myself.”
Self-abandonment can actually show up on the opposite side of the spectrum, too.
Instead of relying heavily on other people’s approval, some of us learn not to rely on anyone at all.
I’ve got it.
I don’t need anybody.
Asking for help makes me weak.
If I depend on someone, they might disappoint me.
Hoenig et al. (2026) refer to this as fierce independence—sometimes called hyper-independence. Previous experiences of being disappointed, neglected, or unsupported can contribute to beliefs that other people aren’t trustworthy or that needing support is somehow a weakness (pp. 138–139).
Independence can absolutely be a strength. But there’s a difference between “I can take care of myself” and “I am never allowed to need anyone.”
Healthy relationships involve giving and receiving.
Sometimes allowing yourself to receive is part of coming back to yourself, too.
So…Where Do Boundaries Come In?
Right in the middle of all of this.
Hoenig et al. (2026) identify boundaries as an underlying issue across several forms of relationship self-abandonment. Boundaries that are too loose can leave us disconnected from our own needs, while boundaries that are extremely rigid can keep us disconnected from other people (p. 129).
The goal isn’t to build a giant emotional wall around yourself.
It’s learning how to stay connected to you while you’re connected to them.
And that takes practice.
1. Learn to Say “No”—Starting Where You Can
If you’re accustomed to people-pleasing, saying no might initially feel terrible.
That doesn’t automatically mean the boundary is wrong.
Start small.
Instead of immediately agreeing to something, try:
“Let me think about it and get back to you.”
Or:
“I can’t do that this week.”
Or even:
“That doesn’t work for me.”
You don’t necessarily owe someone a five-paragraph essay explaining your no.
And if saying a direct “no” doesn’t feel emotionally or physically safe in a particular relationship, you don’t have to start there. Boundaries aren’t a race.
Start where you feel safe enough to practice.
2. Ask for Help—and Ask for What You Actually Want
This one can feel surprisingly vulnerable.
What would happen if, instead of waiting for someone to notice that you’re overwhelmed, you said:
“I could really use some help with this.”
Or:
“What I need from you right now is…”
Or:
“I’d actually prefer…”
Asking doesn’t guarantee that another person will say yes.
But asking gives the people in your life the opportunity to know you.
If you’ve learned to be fiercely independent, allowing someone to support you might actually be the boundary work—not doing more by yourself.
You can start small here, too. Let someone carry one bag. Delegate one task. Tell your partner what you would actually like for dinner. Ask a friend whether they have space to listen instead of deciding beforehand that you would be “bothering” them.
Small moments count.
3. Practice Self-Compassion When This Feels Hard
You might set a boundary and immediately think: Was that rude?
Are they mad at me?
Maybe I should text them and explain.
Maybe I should just do it.
Welcome to boundary-setting.
Learning to stay connected to yourself can bring up guilt, anxiety, uncertainty, or the urge to immediately make everyone comfortable again.
This is where self-compassion matters.
Instead of:
Why am I so bad at this?
Try:
“Of course this feels uncomfortable. I’m practicing something new.”
Instead of:
I shouldn’t care what they think.
Try:
“I care about this person, and I can care about myself at the same time.”
Self-compassion isn’t letting yourself off the hook. It’s allowing yourself to learn without attacking yourself along the way.
A Little Heads-Up: People Might Push Back
This part matters.
When you start changing a relationship pattern, the people around you may notice.
Someone who is accustomed to you always saying yes may not immediately love hearing no.
Someone accustomed to you managing everything may be surprised when you ask them to take responsibility.
Someone might be disappointed.
Someone might question your boundary.
And yes, someone might even be upset.
That can feel incredibly uncomfortable—especially if avoiding other people’s disappointment was one of the reasons you developed these patterns in the first place.
But someone having feelings about your boundary doesn’t automatically mean you’ve done something wrong.
At the same time, boundaries don’t require you to suddenly confront everyone in your life. Your circumstances matter. Your relationships matter. Your safety matters.
You are allowed to move at your own pace.
You can practice with people who feel safer first.
You can start with smaller boundaries before approaching bigger ones.
You can change your mind.
You can talk through the guilt with your therapist.
And you can take time to figure out what you actually want before communicating it to anyone else.
Try This: The Boundary Check-In
Before automatically saying yes, fixing something, taking responsibility, or deciding you don’t need help, give yourself a moment and ask: ● What do I actually want right now?
- What do I need?
- Do I genuinely want to say yes, or am I afraid to say no?
- Am I helping because I want to, or because I’ll feel guilty if I don’t?
- Is this actually my responsibility?
- Would asking for help make this easier?
- What would I choose if I knew the other person wouldn’t be disappointed?
- What feels safe and realistic for me right now?
You don’t need to have perfect answers.
Sometimes simply remembering to ask yourself the questions is the beginning.
Coming Back to Yourself
The goal isn’t to stop caring about other people.
It’s not to become selfish.
And it certainly isn’t to start saying no to everything just because social media told you that you
“need better boundaries.”
It’s learning that you are also a person within your relationships whose needs, wants, limits, feelings, and preferences deserve consideration.
Maybe today that means saying no.
Maybe it means finally asking for help.
Maybe it means telling someone what you actually want instead of saying, “I don’t care—you pick.”
And maybe you’re not ready to change anything yet. Maybe you’re simply starting to notice the places where you disappear.
That counts, too.
As Hoenig et al. (2026) encourage: “Give yourself permission to experiment and discover what is most important to you in life” (p. 148).
You don’t have to figure it all out today.
You don’t have to set every boundary at once.
And you don’t have to become a completely different person.
You can practice. You can experiment. You can get curious about what feels right for you.
At your pace, in your life, and when you feel safe enough to do so.
Sometimes finding your way back to yourself starts with something as small as asking: What do I want?
And giving yourself permission to listen to the answer.
Reference
Hoenig, A., Smith, L., & Wilson, J. (2026). Overcoming self-abandonment: A guide for women who are done being everything but themselves. Bridge City Books.